Taking the Fat out of Fatherhood

Here are some tendencies and assumptions I have noticed that I have as a father:

1. If there is something I need to do, Krista will take care of Miriam.
2. Every diaper I change is, by far, dirtier than any Krista changes.
3. If Miriam is crying and I have not been able to get her to stop, Krista knows the automatic answer and handing Miriam to her will serve as a cry-plug, thus ending the crying.
4. Krista does not mind being used as a cry-plug.
5. I seem to expect that when I get home the 9 hours I have put in are more stressful and demanding than the 9 hours Krista has put in, and I deserve a short break.

Luckily I did not notice (or these were not brought to my attention) all at once. The learning curve is pretty huge right now but I feel like the implications of these assumptions I have are pretty far reaching. Also the response to one assumption or tendency has impact over a wide range of other selfish actions. I have thought a lot about why I do some of these things and really what it comes down to is entitlement.

Entitlement describes a way of looking at life that says, “I am owed something.” It says, “Other people should cater to my needs because I have done something or I am a certain way that is deserving.” In essence it disregards the accomplishments and validity of other people and places the ownership of all the appreciation that is due on one person.

I have realized that this entitlement attitude is, ironically, what creates lazy, fat fathers. When fathers come home from work and decide without discussing with their wives that they deserve a break and sit in front of the television for an hour, this is entitlement. When after working a 40 or more hour week a man decides that he can go hunting or golfing over the weekend, leaving his wife and kids at home, this is entitlement. Unfortunately when fathers get home and need a drink to relax, and feel that one beer just isn’t enough to reward such hard work, this is entitlement. I am not suggesting that I do all these things, nor that all these things are bad at all times. I am suggesting that recognition and appreciation is not something we take, it is something we are given. When we demand time for ourselves and show an attitude of entitlement we are the only ones doing any appreciating.

The reason I say we need to take the fat out of fatherhood is not because I believe that all fathers are overweight. I simply believe that there is often a selfish, inward focused attitude behind the attitudes of fathers. I am also not suggesting that this same attitude is always at the center of overweight people. The focus here is on entitlement. How much more rewarding would the hunting trip or afternoon of golf be if it were something granted to husbands instead of taken. I think that when recognition is given to moms for their hard work and when they are shown that their full-time job of taking care of children is not taken for granted, the husbands will only find a sense of entitlement because it is given to them by their families. I think at this point it will no longer be entitlement but rather privilege.

~JK

Taking the Fat out of Fatherhood

Worthy or Not?

If you wish to learn and appreciate something worth while, then love to be unknown and considered as nothing. Truly to know and despise self is the best and most perfect counsel. To think of oneself as nothing, and always to think well and highly of others is the best and most perfect wisdom. Wherefore, if you see another sin openly or commit a serious crime, do not consider yourself better, for you do not know how long you can remain in good estate. All men are frail, but you must admit that none is more frail than yourself.
~Thomas à Kempis

Are we worthy or not? I have recently been struggling through the tension of our worthiness before God. It seems that I hear many different perspectives on it. “In order to find grace we must realize our unworthiness,” “Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. (Heb 4:16),” “Love to be unknown and considered as nothing.” Where do I find myself in my relationship to God? Am I worthy or not? Should I only consider myself unworthy when I am thinking about other people? Does God only consider me worthy if I am making myself unworthy? Should I really love to be unknown and considered as nothing and is this what God desires for me to strive for if he himself loves me and considers me a child of his. Are we worthy or not?

~JK

Worthy or Not?

The Character of Parenthood

There are several things that have been swimming through my head recently regarding children. A mixture of events has caused me to seriously reflect the nature of parenthood and how people are so different when it comes to the experiences which give their parenting a specific personality.

Several people have commented on how laid back Krista and I are as parents. I am not sure why we so laid back or what exactly they mean by that, but (right now) it seems like a good thing. I am constantly learning about what it takes for me to be a good dad. Krista will be returning to work soon and I will need to be able to take care of Miriam on my own. I am not sure I am totally ready for this. The biggest challenge is feeding her. I have tried to give her a bottle several times and she can definetely tell a difference. This means there is a lot of loud screaming and wigling around in her efforts to communicate with me that my efforts to feed her are not adequate. In this situation, I am forced to be calm and patient.

....not always easy.

We have some good friends here in Abilene who have been on an emotional roller coaster recently with their own pregnancy. They were overjoyed when they found out they were pregnant, heartbroken when the ER doctor told them they were having a miscarriage, slightly relieved when their OBGYN told them to disregard the ER doctor's prognosis and now they are living week to week waiting and hoping that they will continue to hear good news. Six weeks into pregnancy and their prespective on parenting is already being shaped by the prospect of losing a child. In the midst of it, they have found comfort and care in the prayers and concerns of their church family.

At work, I am constantly reminded that there are some who handle the pressure much differently. I get the feeling that what characterizes their parenting is not patience and calmness, seeing the child as one of the most precious gifts God could ever give them. Rather the child is a burden, one that is an inconvenience and disposable. Why else would a parent voluntarily give up their parental rights of the child over to the state, or pass their daughter around to a group of boyfriends or hold their son's hands in a pot of hot oil?

Through it all, I am convinced that the meaning behind God our father and us his children sheds light onto what parenthood should be characterized by. We are not disposable, it isnt always easy but there is always someone who cares.

~JK

The Character of Parenthood

Miriam

This is by far my favorite picture of Miriam so far. It is truly amazing how much time out of my day is used up just looking at this little girl. She is truly beautiful. God has blessed us incredibly.

~JK

Miriam

Hope for Tomorrow, Inc.

I started a new job about 3 weeks ago. I am the new clinical case manager at Hope for Tomorrow. HFT is a non-profit foster and adoption placement agency. They are extremely Christ centered in their approach to providing children removed from their homes by the state the kind of care they need.
My job to ensure that the treatment plans written on all the children are meeting the minimum standards set by the state and our licensing agencies. I also am in charge of contracting with therapists across the state to provide counseling for each child.

So far, I have really enjoyed my job. It is challenging at times because I read about why children are taken from their homes and the behavioral problems which are (in my mind) the direct result of not having positive influences in their life. It is rewarding to know that I have a part in helping them to know Christ through the team assigned to work with them. So many of these kids would certainly not have had the chance to develop a relationship with Him if they had not been taken from the home. The efforts of the HFT staff may not end in children having life-long relationships with Jesus, but hopefully they are able to see that there are people who are not going to take advantage or neglect them.

~JK

Hope for Tomorrow, Inc.

Enjoying the Journey

I say its not so bad...Perhaps that is because I am not getting up as much in the middle of the night as Krista is. Perhaps this is because, while I have emotional needs that are being met as I hold her and care for her, Miriam does not depend on me for anything she needs in order to survive. I do not seem to mind waking up in the middle of the night to change diapers or to burp her. Her crying is even cute sometimes when her little lip quivers. Its really not as bad as people make it out to be. Or perhaps...

I just love being a father.

I have not experienced anything so far that I have not enjoyed about having an infant. All along, since we found out we were pregnant (I say "we" because as a family systems theorist, when there is a change in one part of the system, there is always a change in the rest of the system....We were pregnant....We had a baby) we have tried to take everything that happens as an opportunity to learn something new. A good friend of mine once said to enjoy the journey. I think this approach to life helps me to not be bothered by the 3 am feedings or the wacky emotions of a pregnant woman. Looking at life as a journey, I see each moment as a chance to realize something new.

When Miriam cries at night and I wake her up, check her diaper and do not find anything, instead of getting frustrated that I got up for nothing, I get to see Krista - as tired as she is - wake up and feed her without complaining. She may even sometimes smile as I hand Miriam to her and say lovingly, "Are you hungry precious?" I am enjoying the journey. I love to see the joy that my daughter brings to life and the faces on others as she begins to cry. I am not in a hurry to see her grow up, I do not pine for the day she is sleeping through the night or for the day she says, "Daddy" for the first time. I loved today because I got to see her smile. I loved the five minute break I had just now so I could put her to bed.

I am enjoying the journey.

~JK

Enjoying the Journey

It takes a village...

There's an African proverb which says, "It takes a village to raise a child." The good news is that we now have a child. The sad news is that part of the vilalge left yesterday.

On August 28th at 8:49 am, Miriam Grace Kellar entered the world. Her dad, and her Mimi were both in the room as she entered it. It was beautiful. I never thought a greyish-blue, cottage cheese covered being could be so incredible....but she was. We spent the next 36 hours oohing and aahhing over her in the hospital. Then we brought her home and havent stopped the oohing and aahhing. Krista's mom was here all week with us to help adjust to having a third Kellar in the home. She left our home yesterday and it was a sad day. Krista cried, I sighed, Miriam just slept as if nothing was changing. The last 24 hours have been very interesting, just seeing how life is going to be as a family of three (for a while at least). It is wonderful having Miriam home with us now. I have commented several times about how in a matter of seconds, she went from being someone who needed rather little attention to someone who is in constant need of attention and supervision. It is a joy having her here. Krista will be staying home for a few months to further help us adjust. Since Sally (a.k.a. Mimi) was here, I realized how important it is to have a parent devote constant attention to their child. Everything went very smooth while she was here. They still seem to be going fine, although it will take a week or two before we run out of clean laundary and food that was brought by friends. It has been great seeing the support of friends and family in the first week of her life. It's a good feeling to know that there is a village that already loves her (almost) as much as we do.

~JK

It takes a village...

Miriam's First Picture

Here is a 4d sonogram picture of Miriam we had a couple months ago. The detail is incredible. It was at this moment that it really hit home that she is being knit together in Krista's womb!

~JK

Miriam's First Picture

In brief...

Here are the bulleted highlights of the last month or so:

• Krista and I both graduated with our Masters degrees last friday.
• Krista is dilated to 1.5 and has been have some contractions each day
• We had a baby shower where Miriam received enough pink clothing to last till she is 16 years old.
• I began a new job on Tuesday for an adoption/foster casre placement agency. I am the clinical case manager for half of Texas servicing over 600 kids and 200 families.

I guess that is the gist of what is happening. Send me an email of you want more details!

~JK

In brief...

Grace, Love and Knowledge

"For what would it profit us to know the whole Bible by heart and the principles of all the philosophers, if we live without grace and the love of God?" -Thomas a Kempis

I guess you could say I am nesting in more than one way. For the last several months, Krista and I have been feverishly trying to get the house ready for Miriam. We have been painting, gathering baby furniture, etc. I have also found a new interest in parenting material. I have been reading through several different articles and books on parenting. I scan the pages of What to Expect When You are Expecting hoping to glean information that will prepare me for being a parent. I have no doubt that all this information is good, yet I am continuously reminded that I will understand everything better once I am actually a parent.

I have heard relentlessly the phrase, "You will understand when your baby comes." I do not resent this but rather it reminds me that nothing adequately prepares you for being a parent other than being a parent. I find myself trying not to rely too heavily on the books I read or the tidbits of information others share with me rather the moments experienced between Krista, Miriam and I.

I consider these moments of God's grace and love. He shows me grace by giving me moments of learning as Krista and I discuss bringing Miriam home from the hospital. I feel graced when I see Krista holding her tummy as Miriam kicks her little feet inside. I experience His love when I realize I do not have to wait for delivery to know these things. The "principles of philosophers," and stories of faith in the Bible I read are definitely helpful insights but it is through these moments of grace and love when I feel the most knowledge.

~JK

Grace, Love and Knowledge

Why do I want to be a parent?

I have finished my classes, taken the national marriage and family therapy exam and am just a few weeks away from completing my hour requirments for graduation. My mind has begun to wander to other matters on the horizon. For those who read this blog and do not talk to me in person, Krista and I found out abotu a month ago that we are having a little . Miriam Grace Kellar is growing nicely inside my wife's womb and the nursery is coming together. My thoughts seem to be more and more occupied with the birth of my child and how I am going to support her. Thoughts about how I plan to parent and how things will be different seem to pervade my silent time. I decided to buy a parenting book by an author who spoke at ACU recently. Here are some reflections as I have just finished the first chapter.

Why do I want to be a parent? This question drove the insights of the first chapter and called into question my intentions for bringing another child into this world. Do I want to be a parent because I think I will be good at it? Many people have told me that I will be a good father. I am flattered by this but I am not convinced that this is the reason. I have often found myself feeling like parenting is simply the next step in the formation of my family. Krista and I have been married for just over four years, why shouldnt we have a child. Despite the fact that Krista and I made a decision we were ready to have kids, this decision was not based on either of these. We both wanted children. We have always known that. We had names picked out before we were even married. I think we had both just assumed we would but did not perhaps really investigate why.

In his book, Sacred Parenting, Gary Thomas proposes that the reason we have kids is not for the children's sake. He says there is something about being a parent that changes us. In our effort to raise spiritual children, we have to be spiritual. Our relationship with God is transformed as we live out our desire to raise children in the image of his Son. He writes,

"We live in the midst of holy teachers. Sometimes they spit up on themselves or on us. Sometimes they throw tantrums. Sometimes they cuddle us and kiss us and love us. In the good and the bad they mold our hearts, shape our souls, and invite us to experience God in newer and deeper ways."

In the good and the bad they mold, shape and invite us to experience God. I want this to be why I parent. There is something that is already happening to me as I look on the growing belly of my wife. I know there is a child of God inside that I have so much to learn from.

~JK

Why do I want to be a parent?

Mostly Finished!!

I have officially completed all the classroom assignments for my Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy Degree. All I have left to complete is my internship. By August, I should have 500 hours of clinical counseling completed and will graduate. May 20th, I will take the National Marriage and Family Therapy Licensing Exam and should I pass that test, will become a LMFTA, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapy Associate. What this exactly means is that I will have to begin accumulating a totally new set of counseling hours (this time its 3,000) and once that happens, I will be an LMFT. I'm currently looking for jobs in Abilene where I can work part time, preferably counseling, and continue my ministerial education. It feels good to be done, but I should probably start studying for the National Exam.

~JK

Mostly Finished!!

Jesus and Sin, Part 1

Did Jesus want to sin?


This post is totally unrelated to my previous post regarding needing and wanting sex. :o)

~JK

Jesus and Sin, Part 1

Is it Better to Need or to Want Sex?

Here's the question which drove our discussion this morning in my sex therapy class:
When it comes to being needed and being wanted, which is a heathier perspective when it comes to sexual experience?

I will post more later but its interesting to hear different ideas of what is behind sexual intention. How is our view of sex impacted whether we view it from a "need-based" perspective or a "want-based" perspective?

I understand that this discussion is a bit more frank than others but hopefully the diablogue will be insightful and eye-opening.

~JK

Is it Better to Need or to Want Sex?

A Toddler Teacher.

Last night Krista and I babysat for a friend. Their little girl is two years old and such a sweetie. As I was following this little girl around my not-yet-child-proof house like a lemming, I had the following reflections:

- There is a reason God gives us two years to prepare for having a toddler.
- No matter how messy it is, toddlers eating oranges are cute.
- Pacifiers (or cry-plugs as I like to call them) are made in heaven.
- Baby Einstein movies work well to help adults fall asleep.
- Two parents are not enough to keep track of one toddler's evening activities.
- Some games designed for children age three are more entertaining for children age twenty-four.
- No matter how innocent they look, toddlers can be competitive too.
- No matter how much more mature than toddlers they are, twenty-four year olds are also competitive.
- Nap time is more for adults than for two year olds.

Thats all I have for now, I am sure I will have other not-so-useful reflections in the future!

~JK

A Toddler Teacher.

M.Div Or MACM?

In August, I will graduate with my Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy. Some of my classmates are going on to work on Doctorates, some are going straight into the workforce as therapists. I, on the other hand, have another masters to finish. Before I began my MFT training I was enrolled at ACU in the Masters of Divinity program. I began the MFT program because I did not feel that my BA in Preaching (Harding University) or my M.Div from ACU were equipping me to do counseling in ministry. I love to counsel people and I wanted for this to be my focus regardless of what ministry position I land.

Currently, I am at a crossroads. To complete the M.Div would mean an addition 10 classes and possibly more than 2 more years of schooling. The alternative is to switch to an MA in Christian Ministry. This would mean possibly 4 more classes and I could be done in December or May. Now is the time to decide because depending on which route I take, I will need to register for classes this summer. I have heard different advice from several people, all of it has been helpful. Any feedback you might have would be appreciated!

Also, Krista and I find out next Monday (5-1-06) if we are having a boy or girl!

~JK

M.Div Or MACM?

Late Night Distractions

Back to the subject of oneness. I was reading more from Every Woman's Desire (Now called Every Man's Marriage) and the authors were talking about how oneness starts with submission. They cited the verse in Ephesians about wives submitting to their husbands and husbands loving their wives. The conclusion was that even though it doesnt say men are to submit to their wives, if we are to have oneness with them, as Christ does with his church, submission is the only path. I decided that a typical way men try to get wives to submit is to have them do work around the house. Tonight Krista went to visit her grandparents in Throckmorton, TX (pop. 900) so I thought I would surprise her by doing what other men might consider womens work. I did a little laundary, cleaned up the kitchen, tidied up the living room, saw the computer sitting on the couch, bent over to put it away and started checking my email. I then started blog chasing and now...I am posting on how easily I get distracted from doing things to submit. I didn't think becoming one would be so difficult. I know there is MUCH more to being one than housework - thank goodness. I know Krista will appreciate what I did, but as I have been at the computer for too long, I am tired and plan on going to bed, not having accomplished what I wanted to do. I am not sure where I meant for this to go but when I began writing it, I had some thought about the difficulty of trying to become one and how easily we get distracted by other less important things.

~JK

Late Night Distractions

A Bun in the Oven!!!

September 10th. That is the day that mine and Krista's life will change forever. September 10th is the date that in Dr. Tadvick's divine knowledge, has been decided that our first baby will be born! It is a day we are looking forward to! Here are a few of the first pictures!

This was taken at about 5 weeks. We nicknamed baby, "Dot."

These two are the same picture, one is just magnified. This was at about 8 weeks. "Dot" was affectionately renamed, "Blur."

Here's the story about how it happened...well...in a way:
Krista has been asking and asking about when we can have "the talk." I got tired of her asking and said that I wasnt even willing to talk about it until 9 months before we graduate, a.k.a. December. The beginning of December came around and Krista was nice enough to remind me (I knew it was December, but I like to tease her). I told her we still had another 30 days until December was over. I said this because I was really planning on giving her a late Christmas present. My Christmas present to her was that I was really ready and excited about deciding to start trying to have kids! About a week after Christmas, I planned a nice dinner and in my own special way (...not telling this part) I shared with her that I wanted to have kids.

A week later, I was taking a nap and Krista woke me up to ask me where some cash was. I thought this was strange so I told her there was some in my wallet. I pretended to go back to sleep and heard Krista leave. She came back a few minutes later and went straight into the bathroom and closed the door. This was also strange since when we are home alone, the door never gets closed. A few minutes later she came hopping out and was running around the house looking for something (I am still pretending to be napping and she is trying to be as quite as a woman who just had a positive pregnancy test can be). She came tip-toeing into the bedroom holding a box with a ribbon around it with me lying there with my eyes closed. Before she got to the bed to wake me up, I said, "You're pregnant aren't you!?!" "Hey!" she said as I got up and opened the box to see that there was indeed a home pregnancy test indicating that we would be having a baby.

Maybe it is just the skeptical side of me, but when a home pregnancy test claims to be 98.5 percent effective, I feel like I might fall into that category of people in the 1.5 percent who make all these plans to have a baby and then find out that there is a reason they make that claim. We did another home pregnancy test. Again...positive. We decided that we could probably rely on two positive tests. Looking back we think about how God must have been laughing when we were sitting there making plans while Krista had been pregnant for 3 weeks already. So the grandparents were told and the doctors appointments were made. Keep us in your continued prayers. We have had good results at the doctors visits so far. For now...we wait !

~JK

A Bun in the Oven!!!

Counseling the Katrina Aftermath

Nearly six months after hurricanes Katrina and Rita hit the gulf coast, there are still relief efforts being formed. This morning in our MFI staff meeting, Dr. Halstead told us about an opportuinity to go to New Orleans and counsel those who are dealing with the stress that has compounded over the last 6 months. It is amazing to see the long term effects this disaster is having on people. They struggle with not knowing what their future holds. As they try to repair the damage, they face constant reminders of loved ones who died and belongings they can never get back. Apparently, there is still an overwhelming amount of aid that is being sent down there. Church groups and relief agencies have hundreds of volunteers willing to go and muck out the houses. I have an opportunity to go and help people muck out their hearts. There is a Christian organization being formed to help with future crisis/relief needs as well. In addition, we will have the chance to lead a marriage enrochment seminar at the congregation that is putting this all together. Keep us in your prayers as we prepare to help!

~JK

Counseling the Katrina Aftermath

Desensitized?

It has happened. Yesterday I was sitting with Krista watching a movie. It had been a long day and I had seen a couple clients and I was thinking about how varied my life is. I sit in a counseling room as people poor out their hearts and troubles and I interact with them about them hoping that a word I say will offer a glimpse of hope and light in their darkness. Then I go home and eat supper. I listen to people talk about addictions, abuse and aimlessness and then head off to Wal-mart. Perhaps it is out of necessity, but I feel as though I have been desensitized. Should it be so easy to compartmentalize my life in such a way that I can be crying with a client one minute and laughing as I watch Dumb and Dumber the next? Maybe this isn't desensitization but something else. Every now and then I catch a glimpse of my life from a different perspective and it shocks me. What if I have things all wrong? Should I feel so much compassion that it is on my heart constantly? How do I appropriately separate my feelings of hurt and sorrow for my clients and my life outside the counseling room? These things keep me wondering about the joy of the Lord and his sorrow over the actions of his creation.

~JK

Desensitized?