Grace, Love and Knowledge

"For what would it profit us to know the whole Bible by heart and the principles of all the philosophers, if we live without grace and the love of God?" -Thomas a Kempis

I guess you could say I am nesting in more than one way. For the last several months, Krista and I have been feverishly trying to get the house ready for Miriam. We have been painting, gathering baby furniture, etc. I have also found a new interest in parenting material. I have been reading through several different articles and books on parenting. I scan the pages of What to Expect When You are Expecting hoping to glean information that will prepare me for being a parent. I have no doubt that all this information is good, yet I am continuously reminded that I will understand everything better once I am actually a parent.

I have heard relentlessly the phrase, "You will understand when your baby comes." I do not resent this but rather it reminds me that nothing adequately prepares you for being a parent other than being a parent. I find myself trying not to rely too heavily on the books I read or the tidbits of information others share with me rather the moments experienced between Krista, Miriam and I.

I consider these moments of God's grace and love. He shows me grace by giving me moments of learning as Krista and I discuss bringing Miriam home from the hospital. I feel graced when I see Krista holding her tummy as Miriam kicks her little feet inside. I experience His love when I realize I do not have to wait for delivery to know these things. The "principles of philosophers," and stories of faith in the Bible I read are definitely helpful insights but it is through these moments of grace and love when I feel the most knowledge.

~JK

Grace, Love and Knowledge

Why do I want to be a parent?

I have finished my classes, taken the national marriage and family therapy exam and am just a few weeks away from completing my hour requirments for graduation. My mind has begun to wander to other matters on the horizon. For those who read this blog and do not talk to me in person, Krista and I found out abotu a month ago that we are having a little . Miriam Grace Kellar is growing nicely inside my wife's womb and the nursery is coming together. My thoughts seem to be more and more occupied with the birth of my child and how I am going to support her. Thoughts about how I plan to parent and how things will be different seem to pervade my silent time. I decided to buy a parenting book by an author who spoke at ACU recently. Here are some reflections as I have just finished the first chapter.

Why do I want to be a parent? This question drove the insights of the first chapter and called into question my intentions for bringing another child into this world. Do I want to be a parent because I think I will be good at it? Many people have told me that I will be a good father. I am flattered by this but I am not convinced that this is the reason. I have often found myself feeling like parenting is simply the next step in the formation of my family. Krista and I have been married for just over four years, why shouldnt we have a child. Despite the fact that Krista and I made a decision we were ready to have kids, this decision was not based on either of these. We both wanted children. We have always known that. We had names picked out before we were even married. I think we had both just assumed we would but did not perhaps really investigate why.

In his book, Sacred Parenting, Gary Thomas proposes that the reason we have kids is not for the children's sake. He says there is something about being a parent that changes us. In our effort to raise spiritual children, we have to be spiritual. Our relationship with God is transformed as we live out our desire to raise children in the image of his Son. He writes,

"We live in the midst of holy teachers. Sometimes they spit up on themselves or on us. Sometimes they throw tantrums. Sometimes they cuddle us and kiss us and love us. In the good and the bad they mold our hearts, shape our souls, and invite us to experience God in newer and deeper ways."

In the good and the bad they mold, shape and invite us to experience God. I want this to be why I parent. There is something that is already happening to me as I look on the growing belly of my wife. I know there is a child of God inside that I have so much to learn from.

~JK

Why do I want to be a parent?

Mostly Finished!!

I have officially completed all the classroom assignments for my Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy Degree. All I have left to complete is my internship. By August, I should have 500 hours of clinical counseling completed and will graduate. May 20th, I will take the National Marriage and Family Therapy Licensing Exam and should I pass that test, will become a LMFTA, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapy Associate. What this exactly means is that I will have to begin accumulating a totally new set of counseling hours (this time its 3,000) and once that happens, I will be an LMFT. I'm currently looking for jobs in Abilene where I can work part time, preferably counseling, and continue my ministerial education. It feels good to be done, but I should probably start studying for the National Exam.

~JK

Mostly Finished!!

Jesus and Sin, Part 1

Did Jesus want to sin?


This post is totally unrelated to my previous post regarding needing and wanting sex. :o)

~JK

Jesus and Sin, Part 1

Is it Better to Need or to Want Sex?

Here's the question which drove our discussion this morning in my sex therapy class:
When it comes to being needed and being wanted, which is a heathier perspective when it comes to sexual experience?

I will post more later but its interesting to hear different ideas of what is behind sexual intention. How is our view of sex impacted whether we view it from a "need-based" perspective or a "want-based" perspective?

I understand that this discussion is a bit more frank than others but hopefully the diablogue will be insightful and eye-opening.

~JK

Is it Better to Need or to Want Sex?

A Toddler Teacher.

Last night Krista and I babysat for a friend. Their little girl is two years old and such a sweetie. As I was following this little girl around my not-yet-child-proof house like a lemming, I had the following reflections:

- There is a reason God gives us two years to prepare for having a toddler.
- No matter how messy it is, toddlers eating oranges are cute.
- Pacifiers (or cry-plugs as I like to call them) are made in heaven.
- Baby Einstein movies work well to help adults fall asleep.
- Two parents are not enough to keep track of one toddler's evening activities.
- Some games designed for children age three are more entertaining for children age twenty-four.
- No matter how innocent they look, toddlers can be competitive too.
- No matter how much more mature than toddlers they are, twenty-four year olds are also competitive.
- Nap time is more for adults than for two year olds.

Thats all I have for now, I am sure I will have other not-so-useful reflections in the future!

~JK

A Toddler Teacher.

M.Div Or MACM?

In August, I will graduate with my Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy. Some of my classmates are going on to work on Doctorates, some are going straight into the workforce as therapists. I, on the other hand, have another masters to finish. Before I began my MFT training I was enrolled at ACU in the Masters of Divinity program. I began the MFT program because I did not feel that my BA in Preaching (Harding University) or my M.Div from ACU were equipping me to do counseling in ministry. I love to counsel people and I wanted for this to be my focus regardless of what ministry position I land.

Currently, I am at a crossroads. To complete the M.Div would mean an addition 10 classes and possibly more than 2 more years of schooling. The alternative is to switch to an MA in Christian Ministry. This would mean possibly 4 more classes and I could be done in December or May. Now is the time to decide because depending on which route I take, I will need to register for classes this summer. I have heard different advice from several people, all of it has been helpful. Any feedback you might have would be appreciated!

Also, Krista and I find out next Monday (5-1-06) if we are having a boy or girl!

~JK

M.Div Or MACM?

Late Night Distractions

Back to the subject of oneness. I was reading more from Every Woman's Desire (Now called Every Man's Marriage) and the authors were talking about how oneness starts with submission. They cited the verse in Ephesians about wives submitting to their husbands and husbands loving their wives. The conclusion was that even though it doesnt say men are to submit to their wives, if we are to have oneness with them, as Christ does with his church, submission is the only path. I decided that a typical way men try to get wives to submit is to have them do work around the house. Tonight Krista went to visit her grandparents in Throckmorton, TX (pop. 900) so I thought I would surprise her by doing what other men might consider womens work. I did a little laundary, cleaned up the kitchen, tidied up the living room, saw the computer sitting on the couch, bent over to put it away and started checking my email. I then started blog chasing and now...I am posting on how easily I get distracted from doing things to submit. I didn't think becoming one would be so difficult. I know there is MUCH more to being one than housework - thank goodness. I know Krista will appreciate what I did, but as I have been at the computer for too long, I am tired and plan on going to bed, not having accomplished what I wanted to do. I am not sure where I meant for this to go but when I began writing it, I had some thought about the difficulty of trying to become one and how easily we get distracted by other less important things.

~JK

Late Night Distractions

A Bun in the Oven!!!

September 10th. That is the day that mine and Krista's life will change forever. September 10th is the date that in Dr. Tadvick's divine knowledge, has been decided that our first baby will be born! It is a day we are looking forward to! Here are a few of the first pictures!

This was taken at about 5 weeks. We nicknamed baby, "Dot."

These two are the same picture, one is just magnified. This was at about 8 weeks. "Dot" was affectionately renamed, "Blur."

Here's the story about how it happened...well...in a way:
Krista has been asking and asking about when we can have "the talk." I got tired of her asking and said that I wasnt even willing to talk about it until 9 months before we graduate, a.k.a. December. The beginning of December came around and Krista was nice enough to remind me (I knew it was December, but I like to tease her). I told her we still had another 30 days until December was over. I said this because I was really planning on giving her a late Christmas present. My Christmas present to her was that I was really ready and excited about deciding to start trying to have kids! About a week after Christmas, I planned a nice dinner and in my own special way (...not telling this part) I shared with her that I wanted to have kids.

A week later, I was taking a nap and Krista woke me up to ask me where some cash was. I thought this was strange so I told her there was some in my wallet. I pretended to go back to sleep and heard Krista leave. She came back a few minutes later and went straight into the bathroom and closed the door. This was also strange since when we are home alone, the door never gets closed. A few minutes later she came hopping out and was running around the house looking for something (I am still pretending to be napping and she is trying to be as quite as a woman who just had a positive pregnancy test can be). She came tip-toeing into the bedroom holding a box with a ribbon around it with me lying there with my eyes closed. Before she got to the bed to wake me up, I said, "You're pregnant aren't you!?!" "Hey!" she said as I got up and opened the box to see that there was indeed a home pregnancy test indicating that we would be having a baby.

Maybe it is just the skeptical side of me, but when a home pregnancy test claims to be 98.5 percent effective, I feel like I might fall into that category of people in the 1.5 percent who make all these plans to have a baby and then find out that there is a reason they make that claim. We did another home pregnancy test. Again...positive. We decided that we could probably rely on two positive tests. Looking back we think about how God must have been laughing when we were sitting there making plans while Krista had been pregnant for 3 weeks already. So the grandparents were told and the doctors appointments were made. Keep us in your continued prayers. We have had good results at the doctors visits so far. For now...we wait !

~JK

A Bun in the Oven!!!

Counseling the Katrina Aftermath

Nearly six months after hurricanes Katrina and Rita hit the gulf coast, there are still relief efforts being formed. This morning in our MFI staff meeting, Dr. Halstead told us about an opportuinity to go to New Orleans and counsel those who are dealing with the stress that has compounded over the last 6 months. It is amazing to see the long term effects this disaster is having on people. They struggle with not knowing what their future holds. As they try to repair the damage, they face constant reminders of loved ones who died and belongings they can never get back. Apparently, there is still an overwhelming amount of aid that is being sent down there. Church groups and relief agencies have hundreds of volunteers willing to go and muck out the houses. I have an opportunity to go and help people muck out their hearts. There is a Christian organization being formed to help with future crisis/relief needs as well. In addition, we will have the chance to lead a marriage enrochment seminar at the congregation that is putting this all together. Keep us in your prayers as we prepare to help!

~JK

Counseling the Katrina Aftermath

Desensitized?

It has happened. Yesterday I was sitting with Krista watching a movie. It had been a long day and I had seen a couple clients and I was thinking about how varied my life is. I sit in a counseling room as people poor out their hearts and troubles and I interact with them about them hoping that a word I say will offer a glimpse of hope and light in their darkness. Then I go home and eat supper. I listen to people talk about addictions, abuse and aimlessness and then head off to Wal-mart. Perhaps it is out of necessity, but I feel as though I have been desensitized. Should it be so easy to compartmentalize my life in such a way that I can be crying with a client one minute and laughing as I watch Dumb and Dumber the next? Maybe this isn't desensitization but something else. Every now and then I catch a glimpse of my life from a different perspective and it shocks me. What if I have things all wrong? Should I feel so much compassion that it is on my heart constantly? How do I appropriately separate my feelings of hurt and sorrow for my clients and my life outside the counseling room? These things keep me wondering about the joy of the Lord and his sorrow over the actions of his creation.

~JK

Desensitized?

A Decision Not to Love

What is the difference between oneness and love? Me and Dannie Rio were talking yesterday about love and oneness in marriage. A book we are reading said that a woman's essence sets the standard for oneness. We were quite sure how to take that. At first I was a little offended. I thought why should the woman be the one who sets the standard for my marriage. Immediately after vocalizing this frustration to Dannie, I realized it. The very reason women set this standard is seen in my frustration with it. There is something rebellious in man that wants to be the one to be independent. We want to take care of things on our own and when we have to depend on someone else, or open up to someone else, we resist. By being frustrated with the fact that it is probably true about her essence, I illustrate how this standard is something more difficult for me to achieve than her.

This doesnt mean that either one of us loves the other more or less. Oneness and love are two totally separate ideas. I have counseled many divorcing couples who say, "I still love him." Is this true. I think it probably is, but they certainly do not have oneness. I have decided not to strive to love Krista anymore. I want to be one with her. I think love is a component necessary for oneness and by settling for love, I may not have anything different than the divorcing couple I see each week.

~JK

A Decision Not to Love

Speaking of the Unspeakable

I am on break from my sex therapy class right now. We are talking about childhood sexual abuse and it struck me. This is not a topic that we have really talked much about in our churches. Why is that? Why is it that we have been so afraid to address this horrible sin and to confront it in a setting where people ought to feel that they can have the most love and support? Why have we been so afraid to help those who couldn't speak for themselves and resist those who have been more powerful? How can we make the church into a place where instead of perpetuating the abuser-victim's "No-Talk Rule" that we learn to speak about the unspeakable?

~JK

Speaking of the Unspeakable

Can He Still Feel the Nails?

Yesterday at church, the one who led the communion thought said something interesting. He said that Jesus feels the pain of the nails every time we sin. His comments reminded me of a frustration I have had for some time regarding a mentality that every single time we sin, it is as if Jesus is hung up on the cross, again and again. We even sing a beautiful song about it:

Can He still feel the nails
Every time I fail?
Can He hear the crowds
Cry crucify again?
Am I causing Him pain
When I know I've got to change?
Cause I just can't bear the thought
Of hurting him.

I wonder about the theology of such comments and songs for several reasons. When Jesus died, his sacrifice was different than all the other sacrifices in the Bible. In the Old Testament, the Jews had to make annual sacrifices in order to be rid of their sin. The sacrificial lamb was brought to the altar over and over again each year to reconcile God's people with himself (Lev. 16:34). What makes Jesus' sacrifice different is that unlike the lambs and other animals of the Old Testament, Jesus rose from the dead.

When I think about the thought of crucifying Jesus over and over again, I think I forget about the fact that his sacrifice was "once for all" (Heb. 7:27). I think also about Romans 6:8-10 which says, "Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God."

I am not trying to suggest that we shouldn't feel remorseful about our sin. I am sure that the intent of songs like Can He Still Feel the Nails? are meant to evoke an emotion leading to repentance and reflection on what was done so we might have it, yet I think the theology of the song should be questioned. Is Jesus sitting at the right hand of God wishing he had some Tylenol every time someone sins? If that is the case, how can we ever live with Him (Rom.6:8). I think it is a beautiful song that we sing, but in my head, I am thinking, "Can He still feel the nails? NO!!! He can't. He has risen!!!"

~JK

Can He Still Feel the Nails?

36 Down, Fourteen To Go!

Create Your Own Here!

I found a website where you can log all the states you have been to. Someday I will hit the fourteen states I havent visited.

~JK

36 Down, Fourteen To Go!

One in Christ

A few Sundays ago our congregation participated in something incredible. The Minter Lane Church of Christ and the North 10th and Treadaway Church of Christ had a joint worship service. The reason this service was so incredible was not because two congregations were gathering together to worship on a Sunday morning but because The Minter congregation is predominantly white and the North 10th Congregation is predominantly black. For some time, Doug Foster has been teaching on racial reconciliation and this gathering was evidence of two congregations desiring to have unity among believers despite past divisions and seemingly irreconcilable differences. I appreciated the thought and intention that went into the planning of the service and I hope that these two congregation will continue to dialogue about breaking the patterns of division which have often characterized our brotherhood.

~JK

One in Christ

Holidays, Family, and Stress

There's an old commercial of a large white house with blue shudders. The house is decorated with white icicle lights and pine wreaths with red bows. The snow is falling and the music is playing. A family gets out of their station wagon and makes their way up to the front door. In their arms are piled Christmas presents wrapped with beautiful paper and ribbon. Before the parents and their kids arrive at the door, grandma and grandma open the door with arms open wide and give each family member great big hugs then hurry them inside out of the cold. The next scene is the family sitting around the dining room table with a large Christmas ham and the place settings perfectly situated. The music still playing, the smiles and laughter provide a clear indication that everyone is enjoying themselves. The final scene is the family sitting around the Christmas tree in their pajamas. As dad opens his gift, he is delighted to receive another neck-tie. The kids are elated at the sight of all the presents and can hardly contain themselves until the receive the next wrapped gift to open. With the music still playing, its obvious that this is what a family is. Its obvious that this is what the holidays are all about. Its obvious that any person watching the commercial is thinking to themselves, why isn't my family like that.

For many people the thought of family time like this is not occasion to sing, "Joy to the World" or "Walking in a Winter Wonderland." For many, the mere thought of Christmas is stressful. Christmas to many means putting things on layaway which will be later bought with credit cards. It means putting on smiles while you pretend to enjoy being around relatives. It means enduring family traditions which feel like just another hoop to jump through until you can make (and break) another New Years resolution. For some, the thought of Christmas just reminds them of the stress they have to endure for an entire month. The joy of Christmas seems to be overshadowed by the pain of remembering hurt feelings and tense family environments.

Many of the clients I see at the Marriage and Family Institute express that they do not want to continue counseling during the holiday season because things are just too busy. Many times the holiday season brings up a lot of the pain associated with family for a variety of reasons. The family traditions cause people to long for the day when family members were still alive to share in them. Having family get togethers where abusive relatives are present presents its own kind of pain. The starting of new family traditions seems painful for parents who want their kids to do things the way they have always been done their way and stressful for grown kids who feel like they can't start their own without hurting the parents.

Many people don't know how to handle the stress. Many people attempt to plow through the stress and instead of starting a new year recharged and ready to go, they are left trying to recover from the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas. The problem is not having too many stressful tasks this month. The problem is that people often try to raise their level of stress tolerance instead of lowering it.

When people try to raise their level of stress tolerance, they are finding ways to add to their plate more of the same things which stress them out. If you already have 5 things on your plate and there are 3 things you cannot handle, raising your stress tolerance to deal with the three things left out will only help you feel like you can put more than eight things on your plate. Instead we need to think about ways we can lower our tolerance for stress. Lowering our stress tolerance will help us to not have such high expectations that we burn out. When we lower our tolerance for stress, we find ways to manage our stress without overburdening ourselves. This makes us much more pleasant to be around on Christmas morning and instead of feeling burned out by New Years, you can feel recharged and ready to go instead. The link below describes 12 ways you can help lower your tolerance for stress this holiday season.

Stress, depression and the holidays: 12 tips for coping.

~JK

Holidays, Family, and Stress

istillwearchaoswhenitryonorder!

Do you ever step back and try to reexamine your life?

-Sitting on top of my toilet right now is a book called Don't Sweat the Small Stuff. Everytime I sit down, I read one of the two-page suggestions on how to make life more meaningful by looking at the forrest instead of the trees.

-Every other week, I will re-decide that it is really good for me to wake up at 6:00 to "get things done", even if I do not have anywhere to be until 9:00.

-Once every three to four months, I will input all my debit card and check transactions into Quicken so that I can feel like I manage my finances well.

-The laundary tossing and turning in the dryer right now is a reminder of the 11 loads I have left to wash, dry, and fold.

-The walks Krista and I take are often enough to keep me thinking about my health, but not frequent enough to change it.

-My planner lieing open next to me keeps me running between appointments, straining as I fulfill my obligations, always thinking, "What do I have to do next?"

-The passage I read this morning seems way too fresh for someone who preaches every other week and is working on a Masters of Divinity.

Do you ever feel like in order to get one area of your life in line, every other area must be perfect as well. Its an incredibly hopeless feeling and at the same time, getting one of these accomplished for a week makes me feel like its doable. I mutter, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can" until I run out of breath and then I simply think about thinking about it. How can rely on God more to help me bring order out of the chaos that I feel sometimes? How can I turn my desire into my effort? How can I pull it together?

istillwearchaoswhenitryonorder!

I Don't Mean to Offend You...

For some reason, it seems like our society has grown accustomed to feeling like it has a right not to be offended. I feel like anytime I am sharing my opinions or views, that I have to preface what I am saying with, "I am not trying to offend you," or "this is just my opinion." We like in a day where everyone is so thin-skinned that you can hardly help but offend people. WHY MUST WE BE AFRAID TO SHARE WHAT WE THINK!!!! I don't get it... Someone help me out.

~JK

I Don't Mean to Offend You...

Holy Action Figures!

I was browsing J.P. McCarty's site and saw a Jesus action figure. I started to browse the internet to see where I could find one and stumbled across these other Holy Action Figures.

Jesus Christ Action Figure

With ninja-messiah throwing nails and death killer, cross pump action, over-under shotgun.


God Almighty Action Figure

Complete with Kalashnikov AK-47 assault rifle, and halllowed cloak of invulnerability.

Satan doesn't stand a chance!!

~JK

Holy Action Figures!